dragged through a hedge backwards

Now I must confess I'm not in the best mood this weekend so in all honesty I could be reviewing Jensen ackles' naked body and i'd still find something to moan about but Headmasters salon experts colour brilliance miracle moisture mask sent me to moaning heaven.
I'm naturally a brunette but have a complicated hair history of dying it blond (read that as poring bleach over it every 6 weeks til I looked liked Marilyn Monroe) then have dyed it back brown over the top so it's very, very dry and needs a lot of TLC to keep it relatively nice. I'm also a extremely fickle person and change my shampoo and conditioner regularly. What do psychologists say fickle people have now? O yeah fear of missing out (FOMO) syndrome so I always think there's a better conditioner out there. Unfortunately this is not it.
First of all "miracle moisture mask" really? 1) This is not a miracle. Walking on water = miracle, Me one day finding a husband = miracle. This is a poor excuse for a conditioner.   2) Moisture? ummm there's more moisture on a grain of sand in the middle of a desert than in this. My hair couldn't be any more dry. It's like I've just shampooed and left it.
That's not the worst part though. This seems to have a magical power of making your hair very dry but oddly greasy at the same time. You know that I need to wash my hair look. Not attractive!!!
You think I cant possibly say anything else bad don't you? well I haven't mentioned the knots in my hair when I attempted to comb it. Strange as I don't remember being dragged through  a hedge backwards..........